“One day I’ll get there, and I’ll hug you, and I’ll say I missed you, and I'll say I loved you”
I remember the first time I met you, long long ago. You were just a stranger back then, with only my imagination to put the pieces of who you are together. I couldn’t explain what I felt at the moment, but I knew I was drawn to you, and wanted to learn more. That opportunity felt like it would never come though, and for a time I thought a bond was never meant to be. I remember browsing the site that day, bored out my mind, and seeing that invite from you. Life had been cruel to me lately, and that desperation for more connections was growing more and more, so I took that plunge in the hopes of new companionship. I was worried, scared out of my mind, this false image I had of you felt like too much, and I knew I was a fool for thinking about this when you were still a stranger. I remember you were the one who started to talk to me first, pure excitement in your voice. I remember our first ever messages sent, the smile on your face, and the laughter that we shared. Something started to grow in that moment, but I was too wrapped up in my head to realize then and there. Time started to pass me by, hours felt like minutes, minutes felt like seconds, it sped by like a blur, my life evolving all along with it. Eventually I moved on from my old home, leaving it behind and starting a new chapter with new people and new faces. You told me thank you for talking to you all the time, how happy you were to have this sort of connection with me, and how much you appreciated me in your life. We kept talking, we got closer, we made new memories and experiences, and I was feeling a happiness inside I thought I had once forgotten. I remember the conversation where it happened, talking about wanting to meetup that day. Exploring the old mall, going out for tea, enjoying our time together, I was excited about the possibility, and was willing to do whatever it took in order to make it happen. I remember hearing how happy you were about it. You told me that you loved me right then and there, and in that moment, I knew in my heart what to do. I love you too was my response, I’d be a fool to deny what was in my heart.
The next few months were full of so much love and happiness, a closeness I haven’t felt in awhile, a love I thought long gone. Meeting your close friends, playing your favorite games with you, watching your favorite films, I wanted to do it all, and every single memory is etched in my heart, never forgotten, and treasured most dearly. I remember when I realized how deep these feelings went. Hanging out with close friends, a feeling of isolation growing in that moment, a feeling of being left out, you were there to comfort me in that moment. My heart was feeling funny, it was beating strangely, and I was feeling a rush of excitement unfamiliar to me. The more we talked about it, the more we bonded, the more I realized what feeling was growing. It was love. A true, genuine, honest and pure love.A love I hadn’t felt before, a love I felt like I never deserved, forming right here in the moment, making me happy beyond my dreams. I loved you so much then and there.
The months kept passing by, and I got hit by devastating news. Losing a place dear to me, losing a connection that couldn’t be healed, I was hurting, and I wasn't ready to restart life once again. We said screw it in that moment, away with the rules, away with the build-up, we just wanted to see each other, to feel the love we felt in that moment. I got onto that plane, ready to see you, ready to hold you, ready to tell you how much I love you. I remember stepping off that flight, seeing your smile, feeling your warm embrace, we were both so happy in the moment. I wanted this to last, I wanted to make this work for as long as possible, I just wanted you, and I was happy to be with someone I loved with all my heart. Being there in person made the love feel all the more real, and I was just happy to be in your life. Bringing our shows together, going out for walks, holding hands in Walmart, getting each other plushies, celebrating us, it was magical, and these memories are displayed in my heart for the rest of time.
I remember when things started to get rough, things started to get tense. Feelings of isolation, feelings of doubts began to fester. Moments not helped by other circumstances going on. You just wanted so desperately to help, to be there for me, to comfort me in my times of need, for me to ask you to be here, you just wanted me happy. I was an idiot, constantly feeling like I don’t deserve something like that, feeling less like a human and more like an object, not allowed to have wants, not allowed to be happy. I pushed you away when I never meant to, I isolated myself when I should have let you in, it hurt, but I felt like if I let you in my problems you’d hurt even more. I remember the talk we had about it, about how much it was hurting you, about how much you wanted me to be okay, and how she just wants to be in my life more. I knew a change had to be made, so I set to work, making sure things were okay between us, building back up to the happiness we felt in our hearts. This happiness wasn't fated to last, the feelings just wouldn’t stop and that fateful day haunts me even now. Seeing you on the floor like that, seeing the pain in your eyes, the holding back of tears, just wanting me to be okay, I knew it was too much, I knew things were at its worst. We parted ways that day, with a faint promise of hoping to reconnect sometime after we heal from the damage in our hearts. It’s been ages since that day, time slipping by as the world goes along. You haven’t cut me out completely, you still keep me friended, you still keep an eye, but what bond we had then is gone.
I won’t ever forget the memories that we share, I won't ever forget the love that we felt, I won’t ever forget the time I had you in my life. My love I had for you is in my actions, in my traditions picked up from you. I make my ramen the way you showed me how, I hold some series close to my heart for the memories we made them, and I still keep the pin we exchanged with each other so long ago right here with me, a reminder to do better, to be there for the people I love now, to work towards a better future. I can’t change the past, I can’t alter what went down, but I can work towards a brighter future, I can not let it define me. I can be better not just for you, but for everyone in my life. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and whether we reconnect or not, I won’t ever forget you. I loved you. Thank you.
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