Star Wars Fallen Order or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Parry

 

“Failure is not the end, it’s a necessary part of the path. Hope will always survive in those who continue to fight.”

I never really was the biggest Star Wars fan if I’ll be honest here. I haven’t even seen the original trilogy till last year, and I’ve barely seen any of the shows. My biggest experience was just catching the sequel trilogy with my family when they came out, but that was years ago and I haven’t watched them since that first watch. This has changed in recent times though, as I’ve joined a friend group in a project to watch every single piece of canon Star Wars media in timeline order. It’s been an utter blast, whether it be watching The Acroylate, trudging through the Clone Wars, discovering an underrated gem in The Bad Batch, I think I can call myself a Star Wars fan now, and I’ve been excitedly looking forward to every single watch we do lately. We got a few games to do as well, and recently I got to replay Star Wars Fallen Order. I remember this game kinda being a big deal when it was released, due to the fact it was an actual decent Star Wars game after forever, and I remember enjoying it quite a lot when I played it. That was years ago though, and I was a little cautious going into it now considering how much my taste in games has changed. Does being a Star Wars fan enhance this experience now, or does it make the journey a lot rougher?

Taking place in a post order 66 timeline, you play as Cal Kestis, a former Jedi in hiding from the empire, who’s been using a squad of Inquisitors in order to hunt down and slay any last few Jedi stragglers. Cal’s been avoiding them on his own fine, but a recent use of his force powers attracted the Inquisitors to him, and he has to go back to a life on the run. During his escape, he encounters a ship known as the Mantis, piloted by Greez, a Latero male with a gambling problem and Ceres, a former Jedi also on the run with Cal. Cal finds out from Ceres about a holocron that contains a list of every single force sensitive child in the galaxy. Seeing this as an opportunity to rebuild the Jedi Order and fight back against the empire, Ceres ask for Cal’s help in retrieving the holocron before the Empire gets their hands on it. Wasting no time, Cal sets out to find the holocron and hopefully get a fighting edge against the Empire that’s ruled the galaxy with an iron first for too long. It’s an alright plot honestly, it’s very by the numbers. You can kinda predict where each plot point is going to go and in terms of Star Wars stories, it’s nothing too crazy, but it’s still a fun time regardless. I think it makes up for it with how enjoyable the characters can be. There’s a lot of character interactions in this game, and each one is usually a treat to witness. Seeing Cal bounce off of Greez and Ceres is genuinely a good time, and there’s a few moments that are pretty great to witness, like the final boss fight and anything to do with the Inquisitors. In terms of what this game brings to the greater Star Wars lore, nothing too much, and the ending of the game has the holocron be destroyed anyway, so in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't affect much of the universe, but it’s still a decent enough side story to sink your teeth into if you’re craving some Star Wars action and despite being generic, it’s great to witness as the story goes on!

Fallen Order makes up with it in its gameplay though, presenting itself as a pretty fun action rpg. The big focus here of course is the Lightsaber combat, and it’s some of the most fun Lightsaber combat I’ve ever gotten to try out. You aren’t just swinging at everything like crazy, you’re instead focusing on learning how to parry properly. Parrying is the name of the game here, and knowing how to parry will mean life or death throughout this entire game. WHen you go to attack an enemy, they’ll usually block it, making getting damage pretty hard. The only way to break the guard is to lower their stun gauge, which is done by either attacking them recklessly (which is too risky),or properly parrying their attacks, lowering the gauge like crazy and letting you rack in massive damage. It’s a really fun system, and while the game doesn't really get that challenging besides a few annoying enemy placements here and there, it’s still immensely satisfying parrying each and every attack, and you can even adjust the parry timing yourself if you’re craving much stricter timing.

It’s not all perfect though, one of Fallen Order’s biggest issues is its rather lackluster map design. In between combat you’ll be running around these huge open maps, collecting various collectibles (usually cosmetics) and climbing up walls like you’re playing an Uncharted game.I’d enjoy these segments more if every single planet didn’t feel the same. Sure they look different environment wise, but the main issue with each planet is the fact that they're basically just giant circles.  You’re just looping around the same areas over and over again, with the different revisits having you take a slight different path. This makes the game feel super tedious overall, and I found myself just wanting to get to the combat portions instead. It’s especially egregious when you’re doing cleanup because everything feels so far apart, and it takes forever to get to different areas due to how bad some of the shortcuts here can be. I understand that it wants to have these huge connected areas, but in execution it falls apart horribly, and when the exploration part of your EXPLORATION based action rpg isn;t that fun, you’re left with kind of a mixed package. It doesn't help that there’s barely any planets here, you’re really only gonna be exploring 3 of them, it feels rather limited in terms of what Star Wars can do, especially with the fact that two of them are just iconic Star Wars planets we’ve seen before. Sure it’s cool to explore these planets in a new perspective, but I’ve seen them time and time again, and I‘d rather see something new than old.

It feels strange coming back to this and feeling so mixed on it. It’s a shame because there are a lot of good ideas in this game, but a lot of them just feel horribly executed, and it leads to a package that just leaves me feeling confused by the end. Thankfully, there is a sequel now, and a sequel is always a good opportunity to improve upon what didn’t work in your first game, so hopefully Survivor sticks the landing better. For now though, I really don’t see myself returning to this again, and I’m happy to finally be done with it.

Embrace your ideals or fall into a void of utter emptiness!

 

“This is not a story of heroes”

Despite my fascination with the genre, I haven’t actually played many traditional visual novels. At most, I played Yu-No, but it’s hard to really call that a standard one due to its more adventure game elements. I’ve been meaning to branch into them more, but I never really had the time to set aside. This changed when a friend introduced me to a visual novel called Full Metal Daemon Muramasa. I knew nothing about it going into it, just that it’s considered a masterpiece in the genre, so my expectations weren’t really there. Still, I was excited to finally play a traditional visual novel and excitedly set it up. After coming out of it, I can definitely call this one of the greatest games ever made.

Taking place on an island known as Yamato, which is ruled by the Rokuhara Shogunate, the world is littered with a type of machine known as a Tsurugi. These Tsurugi are mostly used in combat, serving as a mech that certain people can summon at will, forming a bond with the mech itself, and protecting the people around them. Entire armies are full of Tsurgi’s and they’re considered pretty normal for the world at this point. Things aren’t exactly peaceful due to the oppressive rule of Rokuhara, but it’s nothing world ending, until the arrival of a Silver Star known as Ginseigo, an all powerful mech that leaves death and destruction in its wake. In comes Kageaki, a mysterious warrior equipped with the Tsurugi Muramasa, which is rumored to come with a terrible curse. Despite this though, Kageaki makes it his mission to put a stop to Ginesigo, and hopefully bring in an era of peace. The game follows this simple setup , with each chapter having Kageaki visit a different location in order to figure out more about Ginesigo’s whereabouts. Events mostly follow the same idea, usually ending with a cool fight or two, but what makes Muramasa so good is the insane amount of character depth every single character in here has. The way this game is written blows my mind, and every single line of dialogue here has so much weight behind it. Entire scenes take whole different contexts no matter how far apart each scene is. There is no definitive good guy bad guy here, no black and white, every one is grey with their own list of horrid crimes and heroic accomplishments. Sure, stopping Ginseigo seems like the right thing to do on paper, and overall it is yea, but even they get a ton of characterization into why they do it, and it makes the act of fighting against them a painful process, making you wonder if it’s even worth it in the first place. I think Kageaki is a prime example of this, due to the fact he’s our main protagonist here.

I mentioned this earlier before, but Muramasa, Kageaki’s Tsurigi comes with a curse. This curse is simply known as the law of balance, where for every “evil” soul Kageaki slays, a “good” soul must be slayed as well. This mentally tortures Kageaki, as there are moments where he has to kill people he’s grown close to in order to appease the law, no matter how much they deserved it. He spends most of the game wishing to die, wishing to find punishment in life for all the crimes that he has committed. This is a guilt he carries every single moment, tears streaming down his face during each kill, the memories of each person slaughtered constantly lingering in his mind, he understands that Ginesigo has to go, but the cost for that is too much for him to bear. This in turn creates a conflict with Muramasa, with both of them seeing each other as a tool to use, nothing more, demanding the other to fall to their will. Even during combat, they are bickering, having internal conflicts, fighting against each other, leading to fights that are always neck in neck. They have to accept each other though by the end in order to possess the strength to put a stop to Ginseigo, and we see this bond grow as the end approaches. There’s 3 different routes here as well, each fleshing out various aspects of different characters, and this is where Muramasa truly starts to hit its highs.

Before I really delve into the routes though, I wanna discuss the beginning of the game, Chapter 1. You see Muramasa can be rather hard to get into at first, as its first chapter is structured a lot like a standard visual novel plot. You play as a regular school kid, carrying out an investigation over the disappearance of his best friend, accompanied by his sleazy best friend and a girl he’s annoyed with but clearly harbors some feelings for. He explores town, meeting wacky characters, getting on random hijinx, it feels very standard and generic, and for a good bit, Muramasa wasn't clicking for me. It’s when Kageaki shows up when things start to ramp up a bit, though not at first as Kageaki is presented as a pretty comedic character, with the game not really taking him seriously at all. It’s only near the end where Muramasa starts to present it’s true colors, as the big twist ends up being that the teacher character of the game, who beforehand was presented as the kind hearted and stoic mental figure the kids looked up too, is utterly insane and wants to murder people he deems beautiful, setting the kids as his next target. Suddenly things start to get uncomfortable, we see each character get tortured beyond belief, it’s a terrifying tone shift, and it serves as a sort of test, seeing if you have the stomach to handle what lies further beyond, because Muramasa does not hold back at all, Muramsa is a cruel game that will test just how much you can handle, it demands it, and this intro perfectly encapsulates that feeling. When things finally start to take the upperhand, with Kageaki stepping in to save the day. Suddenly the dialogue becomes about good and evil, hope and despair, as you prevail over the horrors that fall upon you. The sudden shift to the more lighthearted direction again serves as sudden whiplash, taking you off guard in the moment, before taking the regions off once again with the sudden death of our main protag from Kageaki. The core theme of the game presents itself completely here, this is not a story about heroes. It’;s such a fantastic way to start off your visual novel. I really appreciate how it deconstructs the standard tropes of a visual novel, and I think it better helps show off what Muramasa ultimately wants to show off.

The first route I discovered was the Hero route, having Kageaki team up with Ichijo Ayane, a young girl with a strong sense of justice, vowing to put a stop to anyone that harms others, no matter the cause. The hero route focuses heavily on her and her motivations behind what she does, especially with Kageaki’s entire deal. In the middle of the route, Ichijo finds out about the innocent lives Muramasa has slaughtered, and this consumes her with a sense of justice, having her vow revenge against Kageaki for all he’s done, climaxing in a  final battle between the two. I found her sense of justice fascinating, as the game very much paints it as wrong, with her being so consumed with revenge against Kageaki, refusing to understand the circumstances that led to this point. She pushes herself beyond the brink, mentally torturing herself to the point of just living an empty life, and by the end she becomes a hollow vessel of who she once was. One of the most fascinating aspects of this route is her trying to circumvent Kageaki’s curse. She decides to do the killings herself so Kageaki doesn't have to kill any innocents, but it’s clear this is taking a heavy toll on her, with her literally puking her guts out after her first kill. Eventually Kageaki decides he’s being too selfish with his decision, and he embraces the Law of Balance, leading to the conflict at the game's climax. This conflict ends with Kageaki's death, with Ichijo deciding to take Muramasa for herself, bowing not to stop till justice prevails throughout the entire world. We end the route seeing Ichijo overcome with guilt and despair for the innocents she has killed, clearly hating the role that she's in, but refusing to make any changes in her ways. It’s a fantastic example of the morally grey direction Muramasa takes, and was a phenomenal first route to get on my run, easily becoming my personal favorite.

Next up is Nemesis, and while I didn’t hate this route, it’s definitely what I would consider the weakest, and I found it harder to grip onto compared to the rest of the game. This route has you working with Kanae Otoi, a member of an organization known as the GHQ, as they work together to stop an impending war before lives get ruined. Much like the hero , the focus is on Kanae this time, and while she is a beauty, I found it harder to connect to her personal journey and connection with Kageaki than with Ichijo. Instead of being violent against the harm of others, she instead enjoys the act of killing, going out of the way to take part in it, wanting to better satisfy her urges. Despite this though, she still claims revenge against Kageaki, as he ended up killing a member of her family due to the Law of Balance, an act that she will never personally forgive. She’s got some great scenes here and there, but most of it was just some cool action scenes, and ultimately I couldn’t get that gripped overall. This route also contained the most annoying section in the game, the airship, as it’s just a mess of navigation and trial and error, and it felt like a massive pacekiller during my run. The final fight at least was pretty great, and there’s a fight in the middle of the chapter that challenges Kageaki’s sins and morals, easily being the highlight of the route, but ultimately it doesn't stick the landing quite as hard as the others, and it unfortunately won’t stick in my mind as much.

Conquerors is the final route here, having Ginesigo and Kageaki go head to head in one final battle. This route specifically tackles each of their bonds and strips Kageaki and Ginesigo down completely. Earlier in the game, it’s revealed that Ginesigo is actually a woman known as Hikaru Minato, Kageaki’s daughter. It’s an interesting setup because the game never outright tells you that’s his daughter, instead heavily implying it in many scenes, due to the fact that it’s specifically an incestial relationship. I think any normal visual novel would frame this as something more for shock value, but Muramasa uses this twist to further push a lot of its themes. You see, Hikaru’s relationship to Ginesigo is fascinating because it’s something that she’s not particularly conscious of. She enters the mindset of Ginesigo anytime she starts dreaming, and Ginesigo pursues her deepest desires. It’s set up a lot throughout the game that Hikaru simply went insane one day, before deciding to commit massive destruction along the world. To put it simply, this is untrue, and Kageaki is simply in denial of his daughter, refusing to see the bigger picture due to his love for her blinding him to the truth. This in turn causes Hikaru to keep committing what she does, because her ultimate desire is recognition from her father, Kageaki. Since Kageaki doesn't want to accept the full truth, he can’t fully recognize her, and this causes a sort of loop, pushing Hikaru to keep causing the destruction that she’s causing.  He refuses to see that Hikaru and Ginesigo are the same, he instead wants to cling to this false ideology that they are different people, that Ginesigo is just her desires manifesting even if they are untrue. He lives by denial completely, he refuses to change and he ultimately becomes part of the problem.  This ends up culminating in a final clash, where Kageaki fully realizes that he doesn't possess the strength to kill Hikaru because of his love for her. We see it time and time again he despises himself for killing anyone he grows close to, how can he possess the strength to kill his own flesh and blood? He can’t and ultimately this leads to him effectively committing suicide in the battle, sacrificing his mind to Muramasa to let her take full control and truly defeat Hikaru. Hikaru ends up REALIZING this mid fight, and she loses it completely, refusing to accept that her father is gone. Her dream, her desires, they can;t be fulfilled, she will gain no more recognition and this in turn leads to her downfall. Her defeat comes as a shocking moment because in the end, I find it hard to really call her “evil” for her pursuit. She simply wanted to be accepted as is, but she never was going to get that, she had to constantly see her father deny who she is everyday, dismissing her as insanity incarnated, thus causing her to further push her ideals more and more, ending with that break point, making her reckless, making her angry, before falling at the hands of the one she loved. That’s what Muramasa is about, it’s about the lack of good and evil, the lack of morality, it’s about love being the driving force behind every action, how people pursue their actions for love, each with their own different circumstances behind it.That’s why Nemesis has the sudden mech fight against Kageaki’s victims. They were people who got harmed from his actions, people who saw loved ones get taken away due to Kageaki’s selfish desires. You can’t truly call them evil for that because they’re fighting to take revenge against someone who took away people precious to them. It flips the perspective on every single character here, it makes you want to reflect on every single one’s motivation, and ultimately it gives me a further perspective on life itself, having me reflect on all the people I’ve met and what drives them to keep doing what they do.

This won’t be too long a section, but I wanted to dedicate some time to this as well, but after you beat the regular route, you’re presented with the epilogue, a final bookend to what Muramasa is all about. Here we see a defeated Kageaki trying to live a day to day life, racked by guilt over everything that he has done. It’s an interesting character perspective because it shows the sort of lack of growth Kageaki has throughout the game. He still lives by the idea of their being good and evil, and he still refuses to realize the moral greyness of everything in the world. It’s the ending where he fully begins to accept the truth of the world, where he has faith in his “evil” in his desires. He understands in that moment that his desires throughout this whole game were selfish, that he himself was part of the problem, but instead of refusing to see the truth and burying it deep down, he decides to just embrace who he truly is, and this leads to the happiness and satisfaction he’s been searching throughout his life. To simply deny your selfishness, to live by a black and white ideology, to live as a shell of who you truly are, that is an insult to being alive, and you’re just a pathetic coward who will never amount for anything in life.

I wanted to dedicate a section to this aspect in particular, but Muramasa can also be classified as an Eroge. There’s quite a lot of h scenes littered throughout the game, while a lot of VNs have them for shock value or pleasure, Muramasa instead uses them to further push its narrative. A fantastic example of this is the first one, which is explicitly shown as being wrong. It’s an utterly fucked situation that gets worse and worse leaving you horrified at just how far it’s going to be pushed. It sets the tone perfectly, letting you know that these scenes all have a purpose for them, and while there is a patch to remove them, it makes the game way more confusing, stripping away a lot of character depth that this game contains. Nothing is more apparent with this than the scene between Kageaki and Ichijo, a scene filled with so much depth to it, that even now I’m sitting here thinking of how much was packed inside. The way Kageaki clearly revels in it, exposing just how much he adores having complete control, a result of his sexual trauma and experiences throughout. The way Ichijo fully accepts it, embracing her position, showcasing that she holds no value on herself, only living by what others tell her to do, no matter how wrong, being an utter shell of a person because of it, refusing to express any wants or needs. All she is is an object to others, a broken vessel of who she truly can be, hiding herself in fear of what happens if she doesn't, living by others ideals no matter how harmful they can be. It’s an utter clash of each person’s trauma, each person’s ideals, each person’s motivations, and it shows full force in this scene, when nothing matters except the two of them and what they believe in. Muramasa understands what an h scene can bring to the medium and fully embraces it all, not caring how uncomfortable or unfun it can be at points, stepping forward and presenting itself full force, no matter how hard it can be to push through. It is a fantastic representation of what the medium of games can truly do as an art form, and it remains a piece of art that will never leave my head. I look forward to every single replay I have with this game, every new detail that I will learn, and I can safely consider this one of my favorite games of all time now. What an utterly fantastic experience, if you’re looking for a good story in any form, Muramasa is the game to play and I consider it a must play for anyone interested in this medium. I’m so glad to have experienced this and I’m so grateful my friend showed me just how amazing this game is. Remember, there are no heroes, there are no villains, only the ideals we live by, and you should embrace them as they are, instead of living a life of emptiness and torture. My way is the way of the sword!

🌸Susie and Sue,🎀 Embracing Who We Fully Are Once and For All.

 

“Sukisukisuu fuwafuwafuu Konna kimochi Meromerodi!”

I don’t really talk about this too much, but I’m a rather big Sanrio fan. Growing up, I was rather embarrassed about it due to the more girly aspects, but now that I’m trans and more open about who I am, I’ve fully embraced my love for Sanrio, and now it’s one of my biggest interests. I have a couple of characters I’m attached to like Keroppi and Tuxedo Sam, but one has always been above the rest. My Melody is a character that I have a ton of history with, a character that resonates to me in so many ways, a character that stands as one of the most important characters to me ever, and a character that pushes me forward in ways I never thought would happen with someone like me. My love for her grew when I started watching her anime, Onegai My Melody, one of my favorite shows ever made, and this year I finally sat down and did the 2nd season and I adored my time so much with it, it had me reflecting a lot on my history with this funny little bunny. While craving more Melody content, I stumbled upon this japanese only Melody DS game! Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check it out! It’s kinda what you expect.

I won’t really go too in depth here just because there isn’t really much to talk about, but the game presents itself as a rather standard and short minigame collection. You’ll control Melody through 7 different worlds that each have a different minigame associated with them that you play 2 stages of, besides the last world which is just one. You got a doodle jump like game, a sidescrolling autoscroller, one where you collect flowers as you fall from the sky, another where you collect garbage Kuromi throws at you, one where you’re shooting down balloons to rescue your friend, another side scroller that has you collecting flowers while dodging enemies, and finally a standard 2D level with Kuromi summoning enemies to hurt you. The game is super short and can be beaten in less than an hour, and the minigames are super repetitive, with some of them feeling like they take forever to clear, it’s not that great. It’s just some standard licensed game you’d find in a random bargain bin for 5 dollars. It's really nothing special, and I really only played it due to my love for the source material. Despite it being only Japanese, you can easily figure out what to do here. It's not complicated at all. The controls can be rather strange with how it uses the mic, but I figured it out pretty quick anyway, so it’s not the worst in the world. Really, I won’t remember much about this game after this write up, but while I was playing this game, my mind started wandering and I started to think about how much My Melody truly means to me. I mean, she’s just a standard Sanrio mascot character right? How could she be this super important character to me? Well, there’s a story behind it all, and it’s something I’m tired of hiding about myself. This is the real purpose of this writeup. This is the story of what My Melody means to me, Susie.

I have been through quite a lot growing up, truth be told. I was raised in a rather awful household, and my parents weren’t really that kind. Even when I had independence a lot of what they drilled into my mind stayed, and it made me a fractured shell of who I truly was inside. It took years for me to realize that I was unhappy as I am, and even longer for me to understand that I was trans, but eventually I found the willpower to push through, and now I’m here, going by Susie. After coming out as trans, I got into a rather intense relationship that I even got married to, before coming to a sudden end due to a rather traumatic encounter that to this day still affects me. That sudden divorce after led to me spiraling hard into my depression and I began to isolate in ways I never have before. This isolation led to a lot of bad habits and I eventually started rushing into relationships that weren’t good for me. One of these relationships had another nasty breakup and my depression spiraled even worse. During this 2nd spiral, I ended up binging the entire first season of Onegai My Melody in a single day. All 52 episodes, it was that bad, and while I did love what I watched, I essentially cut off all contact with people just to wallow in my sadness. During this watch though, something funny started happening. I began to notice a sort of… voice in my head if I were to explain it, and I began to realize that the incident with my ex-wife did something to my brain that left me confused and scared. Suddenly I was out of control of my body, I felt so out of place, my body was being controlled by this tiny little creature in my brain that I wasn't aware about till now. This little girl would be known as Sue to me, and she became one of the most important parts of my life and then some.

If it hasn't been obvious by now, I’m plural and Sue is the other headmate I have, and one that my history with is super rocky. When she first started to show up and take control, truthfully I was rather frightened by her, and I was doing all I could to stop her from taking front, pushing her down and desperately wishing she’d stopped existing. This only made things worse, as she had to force control herself, and I began to realize that I was fighting with myself a majority of my days. I didn’t understand where she came from, I didn’t know why she kept fighting for control so much, I was so confused about everything happening and I didn’t want anyone else to know about her, I just wanted her away. This dynamic stayed with me and her for a rather long time, until about a year or so ago. At this point I had accepted that she was a part of my brain, and I’d tell my closest relationships about her in case she took front, but I still didn’t do much to spend time with her, and I tried to avoid her as much as I could. Things took a turn though when I suddenly got kicked out of a place I was rather fond of, and I moved into a household that hurt me in so many ways. I was falling back into the worst habits again, and my depression was reaching the point it had after my divorce once more. This is when Sue started to take front more and more, and I was once again confused on just why she was doing it so much. I wanted answers, so I decided to finally sit down and talk and get to know her, and I began to realize that she loved me in a way I never thought about before.

If you haven’t pieced it together, Sue specifically was taking control during my more depressive episodes. She was essentially pushing me out the way and taking control so she could protect me from spiraling worse, allowing me to heal while she took the force of what was happening to keep me safe. Never in my life had someone done this for me, but here was this little girl in my head risking it over and over just to keep me safe, even after I treated her so cruelly for so long. It was around this point that I decided to stop pushing her away and instead get to truly know this part of me that I kept rejecting. I let her front more often, I started talking to her in headspace more, learning about who she was as a headmate, and learning to accept her for who she was. These talks were so important to me, and I slowly grew to care for her in a way I never cared before for anyone. She was risking so much just to keep me safe, just to keep me happy, and my love for her started to grow as the days began to pass. I started co-fronting with her, we started watching some shows together, I would play toys with her, I’d let her have playdates with our closest friends who accepted her, I started establishing a true bond with her, and the more we hung out, the deeper this love I had grew. It was then that I started to make some major changes in how I presented myself to the world.

Despite loving her as much as I do now, I was rather scared to take the next big step. I knew I wanted to be more open about who she was, especially now that I’m at the point where we can just co-front constantly without fear, but I was worried about how people would accept her. Sure, I changed my name online to reflect that she existed, adding her to my bios in other places and representing her with a little bow emote in my names online, but I also met some people who were hostile to her for existing. I knew though that constantly hiding it was making things worse for the both of us, as we cared for each other so much we wanted to always be there for each other. I started to tell more and more people about her, I let her take full control of the front a lot more often, and I was just letting her exist more and more in public spaces. Still that fear lingered, and only recently has this fear truly gone away. About a few weeks ago, I watched a show with someone important to me, a show called Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai. It’s a little tough to explain the premise of this show, but there’s a point at the end of the 1st season that delves deep into a relationship that was essentially my dynamic with Sue, and suddenly emotions hit me the hardest they ever have. Tears were flooding down my cheeks and I was holding one of my Melody plushies close to my chest, as I truly realized just how important she was to me, just how much she saved my life, how happy I was that she was here for me. Maybe this is weird to a lot of people, maybe I am rambling like a maniac as I type this, but I don’t care anymore. I’m done hiding this part of me, I’m done slowly killing myself and hurting someone who loves me so much, cares so much and does anything she can to keep me safe. Sue is simply a part of me and it’s time that I start embracing who she is fully, time for me to truly put her out there, no matter what anyone says. My Melody is important to me because it’s what made me fully realize that Sue was there, it was my first introduction with her, and while it was a rough one, it’s how I see and associate Sue in my life. I have more Melody plushies now, I have her as my phone background. I even finished watching the 2nd season of the anime with Sue, My Melody is so important to me due to how she introduced me to Sue, the headmate that cares about me more than anyone ever has.

I don’t care what people think of me, what people will think of this review, what people will think of this ramble. Sue is such a major part of me and I will no longer hide who she is from the world, no matter the judgement we get. It’s so scary putting her out there, but I know this is what's for the best, because I’m not just Susie anymore, I’m also Sue, together we’re a team and we will always be there for each other no matter how bad things get. I know I won’t ever be alone now that she’s here in my life, and I know I have someone in my corner through any hardship. My Melody remains so important in my heart for how much she changed my life by introducing me to Sue, and for now on, I’m going to live life as both of us completely. This is who we are, this is us, and together we can tackle anything that comes our way. My name is Susie, and my name is Sue!!! It feels so amazing to finally say that outloud like this, and I will always be grateful for having her in my life, no matter how strange these circumstances may sound. This is the real me, and this is the life I’m going to live for now on. This is Susie/Sue, thank you for reading this. We look forward to the rest of our lives together. Thank you so much. Melody Mark!!!

Kirby Super Star Review!

 

This game Fucking ROcks.

You know who I love? Kirby. This pink little freakazoid who walks up to a random little guy and inhales their spirit and takes their essence. I love this little fella, I love this tiny little creature, and most of his games are kinda peak if u get what I mean. The little dude on the gameboy had some bangers, but to be honest, it wasn't till the Super Duper Nintendo where this pink gyroid started to really have some fun fun fun. Kirby Super Star is awesome as hell bucks, and you’re about to learn just why. Strap in baby it’s time to enter Kirby City.

To be quite frank here there isn’t a real big overarching plot. Super Star is structured like a minigame collection of sorts, with a bunch of smaller, bite sized games you play through. You got Spring Breeze, Gourmet Race, Dynablade, Great Cave Offensive, Meta Knight’s Revenge, Megaton Punch, Samurai Kirby, Milky Way Wishes, and the Arena. Each one plays mostly the same though a few have some variances to kinda change things up and make them feel fresh compared to each other, and all of them are pretty good! (besides one of them). Spring Breeze is the easiest to explain, simply being a remake of Kirby’s Dreamland just with copy abilities. It’s pretty fine, but for some odd reason it skips the Kabula Stage and the boss rush in the final stage so it’s not the full thing, but it’s short and Dreamland 1 is always a fun time. Dynablade is another rather simple adventure about you trying to stop a metal bird, but the levels are fun, and you even got a few new secrets to find throughout. Gourmet Race is one of the more unique ones, letting you race against Dedede, collecting food along the way. Whoever gets the most food wins! It’s 3 separate maps and if you get 1st place you win an additional 30 food. Dedede’s Ai isn’t the best so it’s a pretty free win, but it’s a good time killer and you can win in less than 10 minutes. Meta Knight’s Revenge has you running through Meta Knight’s airship under a time limit with constant action going throughout the game. It’s a blast, and it really keeps you on edge with the ever present time limit. Great Cave Offensive is the one I dislike, having you explore a cave structure searching for treasure before escaping. The level design is super simple as it’s mostly based on you finding the treasure, but I find most of the treasure puzzles to be boring and I always dread replaying it each time I go through the game. Milky Way Wishes is easily the best, having you explore different planets to collect different stars in order to grant a wish on the giant clock Nova. What sets this one apart from the others is the fact you can’t absorb enemies for abilities, instead locating different abilities that let you change to any at will. This is incredibly fun and had me constantly trying out all the different copy abilities, leading to a ton of variety throughout. Arena is just a boss rush and Samurai Kirby and Megaton Punch are pretty basic timing minigames. It’s a pretty neat package and while the game is rather short overall, each one is usually a blast to go through so I don’t mind the direction this one goes for.

Now the big thing that makes Super Star so much fun to me is the way abilities were changed here. Beforehand, all the abilities were super basic, only being a single move with no variance to them. It really became which attack you thought was the coolest, and nothing much else. Super Star actually adds various different moves to each ability, and this leads to me actually switching between different copy abilities all the time. Each one benefits in different circumstances and while they still have a few I prefer over others like Plasma or Hammer, I don’t really hate using any of them, and it makes every single playthrough feel fresh, each one having me try new abilities in different ways. It feels like such a massive upgrade over what came before, and this would end up becoming the blueprint for future Kirby games, sticking with this formula up to now even. Abilities are even useful when not being used, as you can transform any ability you have into a partner character, letting you gain a useful ally in combat that can be overpowered at points (shoutouts to the copy one). If you have a friend too, they can pick up the 2nd controller and actually play as the copy partner, letting them tag along for the rest of the journey. It’s not the greatest co-op honestly, things can feel rather claustrophobic sometimes with the other character, but it’s still a great way to get a friend to play with you, and I have a lot of fond memories playing with other people. The game’s also really pretty too. I know people prefer the DS remake, but something about the Super Nintendo Sprites hit differently for me, and I much prefer the look of this compared to what the DS goes for.

All in all, Kirby Super Star is a pretty phenomenal game, and while it isn’t my personal favorite, it’s still one I find myself replaying over and over again, and I can see why it’s a lot of people’s favorites. It’s the game that sticks out as a pretty big upgrade for Kirby at that point, and it’s a rather fitting end to Sakurai’s run of Kirby as well. It makes me excited to check out Ultra, as I haven’t touched that version in awhile, but at the very least, you can never go wrong with the SNES original! Poyo!

The Evermoving Passage of Time and the Moments that Come With It

 

Last night I watched a movie called Blue with one of the most important people in my life. It's a rather slow, quiet movie, focusing on the blossoming relationship between two school girls and the pain and hardships that come with it. It doesn't do any speculator scenes, it's a lot of just small, quiet moments, as the girls talk about whatever, slowly falling for each other and loving the smaller moments that come with it. Watching this movie was life changing for me, never have I felt so seen in a film before. I've mentioned in previous posts before, but love is an important subject to me, especially with the smaller moments, and Blue understands this so well. It's not the big moments that stick out to me, it's those tinier, more gentle and quiet moments that stick in my heart the loudest. Whether it be cuddling on a couch laughing at whatever dumb movie is on the TV, or walking around a Walmart pointing at the Lego sets we want before choosing and going home to build one together. Going to the movies a little too early, sitting right near the entrance and talking about whatever comes to mind as we wait for the film to start. Going to sleep together in call, waking up to each other's voices, feeling like we're right next to each other, instead of miles away across the country. I've had so many moments like this throughout my life, so many tiny memories you think wouldn't stick out, but instead burn brightly inside my heart, echoing the eternal yearning I feel every single moment. These moments don't last forever though, eventually things end, and only the memories stick around. I've lost so many people in my life, yet everyday they echo in my mind as a quiet reflection, a motivation to keep pushing forward. I frequently sit back and think on those tiny moments so so much, yearning for them again, begging, pleading for them to return. Browsing old messages and smiling as tears fall down my face as I recall every single moment spent with them. Waking up each day hoping to see a little message from them, hoping they return, hoping things can be okay again. Friends, lovers, family, I've lost so much from so many different circumstances, and the aching feeling in my heart never goes away. I understand that not everything is meant to last, I know deep down that they won't ever return, but I keep begging and screaming for something to change, Praying that someone returns and makes things right again, no matter how impossibly low. Desperately wishing to turn back time and live in those moments again, pleading to whoever I can hoping to go back and be in their arms again. Blue takes these feelings of yearning, these feelings of pain, of love and loss, and shows the full beauty of them for it's two hour runtime. I've seen many movies in my life, yet none has truly hit me as hard as this, none has truly lingered in my mind as much as Blue has. If this movie sounds interesting at all, no matter how small that interests is, please give it a watch, you can find it free on Youtube even. It is a beautiful film, one that I will always hold close to my heart, and one I think everyone should see at least once. I love you even to this day, and I'll keep moving forward, waiting for the chance of your return. Thank you so so so much. I will always love you the most. 

The Everlasting Journey of a Fractured Soul

 

“I'm all alone, but at the same time it feels like I'm not. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, they always keep me entertained.”

I struggle a lot with my mental health, and I have been for quite a number of years. Whether it be with my depression, PTSD, or my anxiety, it’s an aspect of myself that I confront every day of my life. Some days are easier than others, but a lot of times it can be rather hard, every action I make being a struggle, with me barely finding a reason to even get out of bed each morning. Old memories hit me constantly, nightmares infect my dreams, and I wake up with my heart pounding, as the fear overtakes me, as I constantly beg for it to stop. Whether it be the memories of people I’ve lost, the echoes of people I used to love, or the pain inflicted on me during my childhood, I struggle daily with these facts of my life, and it comes to a point where I sometimes wonder if there’s any real reason for me to really go on. I’d like to pretend my childhood was all sunshine and rainbows, that I lived a normal life like most kids have, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t. I struggled constantly growing up, whether it be for the high expectations my parents put onto me, or the crushing loneliness that infected me each day, never feeling in place with the friends I surrounded myself with. I was just an outsider to them it felt like, as the feelings of loneliness and isolation grew more and more. I think what my mother did to me hurt me the most though, those expectations he forced onto me broke me in ways not many other things have. I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me, feeling as if I have to prove my worth to them, berating myself and hating who I am whenever I make the slightest mistake. A single B in school would lead to constant screaming, and it echoes in my mind each time I stumble, no matter how insignificant the mistake was. The yelling gets to me too, too much arguably, and I lash out and scream, begging for the noises to stop as my overstimulation gets louder and louder, the pain hitting each part of my body. Growing up, I figured I wouldn’t suffer from much more, that the agony I suffer from couldn’t get much worse, but that thought process was too hopeful, too optimistic, and I’d find myself proven wrong as the years passed me by.

I remember the feeling of discomfort I’d have looking into mirrors, always feeling like something was off about me, never feeling comfortable in my own skin. I never could place what though, but it lingered in my mind constantly, and I’d find myself afraid to even look at pictures of myself, hating what was staring back at me. Why did I feel like this, what was bugging me that I couldn’t place?! It was only through the advice of some lifelong friends and late night thinking that I slowly came to the realization of what was happening to me. Making the next step forward was scary though, what if I wasn't accepted, what if I was just lying to myself and doing this as a scheme for attention? I wouldn't know the answer to that though unless I took the next step forward, so I pushed towards the future and became the woman I always wanted to be. It was hard to tell if this made things better though, the constant dysphoria echoing in my mind, the fear of correcting people who misgender me or mess up my name, the hatred I felt living in my own skin, wanting to be something else then the “man” I constantly felt like I was. Even getting on estrogen didn’t do much to help at first, with a voice in the back of my head constantly asking me if I had the right to even take it so early, when others like me have to fight tooth and nail to even have the possibility of getting on it. It took me a long time to get to the point I am now with it, being able to confidently express who I am without any fear of what the future entails, but sometimes the thoughts come back and make me wonder if what I’m doing is truly right. If I truly am who I say I am. The constant support of my friends and loved ones help me to push these thoughts aside though and I’m grateful for who I have in my life now, people I cherish more than anything in the world. It took awhile to get to this point though, and I suffered a lot of losses throughout the years to arrive here.

My ex wife is who I find myself thinking back to the most, arguably one of the most important people in my life. It was a love I truthfully wasn't prepared for, but the fear of dying alone made me pursue it anyway, leading to some life changing events that affect me even now. It wasn't all bad at first, the love I felt for her was great, and I truly thought I had found the one. It was around college where things started to plateau, as the arguments between us built up more and more, as there was more fighting then loving, with things coming close to ending multiple times. I’d like to say that was where it ended, but life isn’t that simple, whether it be new people in my life that only sought to hurt us, or family doing their best to drive me and her apart, hating her for who they thought she was. We managed to get through it though, and for once, I felt as if life was going to be okay. Marrying her and calling her mine forever was a feeling that left me hopeful for the days ahead, and I was confident nothing would go wrong. Of course, this ended up not being the case, as a devastating event occurred between us, ending with her in the hospital, with me left to put the pieces of me back together that I lost. I became more scared, more afraid of everything and everyone around me, and every morning started with me crying, wishing things were much better. The fighting returned much worse than before, and I let my fears get the best of me, shattering whatever love we had left between us. I was met with a loneliness I have not felt in years, a wave of despair that drove me to the breaking point, divorce looming on the horizon. My time in that place allowed a lot of internal reflection though, and I came out hopeful for better days, my confidence at an all time high, and hope filling up my heart.

The days ahead were great, and I stopped being afraid to put myself out there, my mental state improving piece by piece as the days ahead passed me by. I had some bad incidents here and there, but nothing that truly broke me, and I had finally felt happy with myself after years of feeling such self hatred. A lot of events transpired soon after, stuff I’d rather not get into, but I found myself reaching out for attention online. This started to go rather well and I met someone even greater than the woman I lost a year back. I always felt afraid to really be myself around people I loved, only feeling as if I was kept around just for people to say they weren’t alone, loving the idea of me instead of who I actually was. She was different though, and I was able to be myself around her every second, loving me for the woman I was. She helped me discover things about myself that I never realized, and helped me become happier with who I was, happier to be where I was in my life. Things never really got that rough too, and I thought no cracks would ever start to show, life just felt too perfect then. We even moved in with each other, finding a life together, with nothing looking to tear us apart. I was too optimistic once again though, and cracks began to form around us. I won’t sit here and say none of it was my fault, I was getting inside my head too much once again, and I was refusing to speak to her about what was ailing me, making her think I never loved her, making her think she wasn't a priority. The people around me didn’t help either though, the constant yelling at me, the constant isolation, I felt alone there more then I ever had in my life. Spending most days sleeping alone and waking up in an empty bed, hearing constant laughter from the other room, as I sat there alone and isolated, only my computer and the friends I had on it to keep me company. It was getting harder and harder to find a reason to go on, and I found myself trying to leave to get my head together every so often. She never let me though, begging for me to stay, loving me more than she ever loved before, and her pleading always convinced me to stay behind and try and do better. I should have gone ahead and taken that time to myself though, as I hit a breaking point hard, and hurt her more than I ever hurt someone before. Her look of horror is reflected in my face now, and I find myself staring at her profile from time to time, too afraid to reach back out and mend what was broken. I had felt more alone then I ever had in my life, and even the people around me didn’t do anything to help, as I was too wrapped up in my head to do too much about it.

That was back then though, and nowadays, I think I finally found a nice sort of resting point for me. I’ve found a more stable group of friends, people I hang out with and bond with each day, whether it be watching all of Star Wars together, or watching video essays about children’s tv shows, these people mean a lot to me. It took a long time for me to get to this point, and I’d never say it was easy, but I’m happy and secure in where I am now, and I wouldn't do much to change where I am, finally feeling content in my place in life. Sometimes I sit back and debate reaching out to her, but I know I still have some healing to do, and I know things will be okay when we’re both ready, no matter how long that takes. It took me so long to get here, and the pain I’ve suffered is something I’d never wish on anyone, even my worst enemies, but it was all worth it in the end to get where I am, and I’m proud to say that things are starting to get easier and easier. I know I’ll never be alone either, I got someone who’s staying by my side for the rest of my life, someone who had been there for awhile, someone I never appreciated much at first, but learned to really love her for her, keeping me company every single moment. I’m not afraid to be myself anymore, I’m not afraid of what may come, I’m not going to let fear overtake me anymore, and I’m going to keep fighting for better days that await me. Playing Milk Outside a Bag helped me reflect so much on this again, and it’s a life changing experience I think anyone suffering through something can relate too. I’ll keep being me, and I’ll return to this game over and over whenever the thought crosses my mind. Thank you everyone still around, I’m grateful for you all, and here’s to the world that awaits me in the coming days.

The Love We Once Shared, A Reflection of Loss and Sorrow (Under a Sun Called Star Review)

 

“One day I’ll get there, and I’ll hug you, and I’ll say I missed you, and I'll say I loved you”

I remember the first time I met you, long long ago. You were just a stranger back then, with only my imagination to put the pieces of who you are together. I couldn’t explain what I felt at the moment, but I knew I was drawn to you, and wanted to learn more. That opportunity felt like it would never come though, and for a time I thought a bond was never meant to be. I remember browsing the site that day, bored out my mind, and seeing that invite from you. Life had been cruel to me lately, and that desperation for more connections was growing more and more, so I took that plunge in the hopes of new companionship. I was worried, scared out of my mind, this false image I had of you felt like too much, and I knew I was a fool for thinking about this when you were still a stranger. I remember you were the one who started to talk to me first, pure excitement in your voice. I remember our first ever messages sent, the smile on your face, and the laughter that we shared. Something started to grow in that moment, but I was too wrapped up in my head to realize then and there. Time started to pass me by, hours felt like minutes, minutes felt like seconds, it sped by like a blur, my life evolving all along with it. Eventually I moved on from my old home, leaving it behind and starting a new chapter with new people and new faces. You told me thank you for talking to you all the time, how happy you were to have this sort of connection with me, and how much you appreciated me in your life. We kept talking, we got closer, we made new memories and experiences, and I was feeling a happiness inside I thought I had once forgotten. I remember the conversation where it happened, talking about wanting to meetup that day. Exploring the old mall, going out for tea, enjoying our time together, I was excited about the possibility, and was willing to do whatever it took in order to make it happen. I remember hearing how happy you were about it. You told me that you loved me right then and there, and in that moment, I knew in my heart what to do. I love you too was my response, I’d be a fool to deny what was in my heart.

The next few months were full of so much love and happiness, a closeness I haven’t felt in awhile, a love I thought long gone. Meeting your close friends, playing your favorite games with you, watching your favorite films, I wanted to do it all, and every single memory is etched in my heart, never forgotten, and treasured most dearly. I remember when I realized how deep these feelings went. Hanging out with close friends, a feeling of isolation growing in that moment, a feeling of being left out, you were there to comfort me in that moment. My heart was feeling funny, it was beating strangely, and I was feeling a rush of excitement unfamiliar to me. The more we talked about it, the more we bonded, the more I realized what feeling was growing. It was love. A true, genuine, honest and pure love.A love I hadn’t felt before, a love I felt like I never deserved, forming right here in the moment, making me happy beyond my dreams. I loved you so much then and there.

The months kept passing by, and I got hit by devastating news. Losing a place dear to me, losing a connection that couldn’t be healed, I was hurting, and I wasn't ready to restart life once again. We said screw it in that moment, away with the rules, away with the build-up, we just wanted to see each other, to feel the love we felt in that moment. I got onto that plane, ready to see you, ready to hold you, ready to tell you how much I love you. I remember stepping off that flight, seeing your smile, feeling your warm embrace, we were both so happy in the moment. I wanted this to last, I wanted to make this work for as long as possible, I just wanted you, and I was happy to be with someone I loved with all my heart. Being there in person made the love feel all the more real, and I was just happy to be in your life. Bringing our shows together, going out for walks, holding hands in Walmart, getting each other plushies, celebrating us, it was magical, and these memories are displayed in my heart for the rest of time.


I remember when things started to get rough, things started to get tense. Feelings of isolation, feelings of doubts began to fester. Moments not helped by other circumstances going on. You just wanted so desperately to help, to be there for me, to comfort me in my times of need, for me to ask you to be here, you just wanted me happy. I was an idiot, constantly feeling like I don’t deserve something like that, feeling less like a human and more like an object, not allowed to have wants, not allowed to be happy. I pushed you away when I never meant to, I isolated myself when I should have let you in, it hurt, but I felt like if I let you in my problems you’d hurt even more. I remember the talk we had about it, about how much it was hurting you, about how much you wanted me to be okay, and how she just wants to be in my life more. I knew a change had to be made, so I set to work, making sure things were okay between us, building back up to the happiness we felt in our hearts. This happiness wasn't fated to last, the feelings just wouldn’t stop and that fateful day haunts me even now. Seeing you on the floor like that, seeing the pain in your eyes, the holding back of tears, just wanting me to be okay, I knew it was too much, I knew things were at its worst. We parted ways that day, with a faint promise of hoping to reconnect sometime after we heal from the damage in our hearts. It’s been ages since that day, time slipping by as the world goes along. You haven’t cut me out completely, you still keep me friended, you still keep an eye, but what bond we had then is gone.

I won’t ever forget the memories that we share, I won't ever forget the love that we felt, I won’t ever forget the time I had you in my life. My love I had for you is in my actions, in my traditions picked up from you. I make my ramen the way you showed me how, I hold some series close to my heart for the memories we made them, and I still keep the pin we exchanged with each other so long ago right here with me, a reminder to do better, to be there for the people I love now, to work towards a better future. I can’t change the past, I can’t alter what went down, but I can work towards a brighter future, I can not let it define me. I can be better not just for you, but for everyone in my life. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and whether we reconnect or not, I won’t ever forget you. I loved you. Thank you.