🌸Susie and Sue,🎀 Embracing Who We Fully Are Once and For All.

 

“Sukisukisuu fuwafuwafuu Konna kimochi Meromerodi!”

I don’t really talk about this too much, but I’m a rather big Sanrio fan. Growing up, I was rather embarrassed about it due to the more girly aspects, but now that I’m trans and more open about who I am, I’ve fully embraced my love for Sanrio, and now it’s one of my biggest interests. I have a couple of characters I’m attached to like Keroppi and Tuxedo Sam, but one has always been above the rest. My Melody is a character that I have a ton of history with, a character that resonates to me in so many ways, a character that stands as one of the most important characters to me ever, and a character that pushes me forward in ways I never thought would happen with someone like me. My love for her grew when I started watching her anime, Onegai My Melody, one of my favorite shows ever made, and this year I finally sat down and did the 2nd season and I adored my time so much with it, it had me reflecting a lot on my history with this funny little bunny. While craving more Melody content, I stumbled upon this japanese only Melody DS game! Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check it out! It’s kinda what you expect.

I won’t really go too in depth here just because there isn’t really much to talk about, but the game presents itself as a rather standard and short minigame collection. You’ll control Melody through 7 different worlds that each have a different minigame associated with them that you play 2 stages of, besides the last world which is just one. You got a doodle jump like game, a sidescrolling autoscroller, one where you collect flowers as you fall from the sky, another where you collect garbage Kuromi throws at you, one where you’re shooting down balloons to rescue your friend, another side scroller that has you collecting flowers while dodging enemies, and finally a standard 2D level with Kuromi summoning enemies to hurt you. The game is super short and can be beaten in less than an hour, and the minigames are super repetitive, with some of them feeling like they take forever to clear, it’s not that great. It’s just some standard licensed game you’d find in a random bargain bin for 5 dollars. It's really nothing special, and I really only played it due to my love for the source material. Despite it being only Japanese, you can easily figure out what to do here. It's not complicated at all. The controls can be rather strange with how it uses the mic, but I figured it out pretty quick anyway, so it’s not the worst in the world. Really, I won’t remember much about this game after this write up, but while I was playing this game, my mind started wandering and I started to think about how much My Melody truly means to me. I mean, she’s just a standard Sanrio mascot character right? How could she be this super important character to me? Well, there’s a story behind it all, and it’s something I’m tired of hiding about myself. This is the real purpose of this writeup. This is the story of what My Melody means to me, Susie.

I have been through quite a lot growing up, truth be told. I was raised in a rather awful household, and my parents weren’t really that kind. Even when I had independence a lot of what they drilled into my mind stayed, and it made me a fractured shell of who I truly was inside. It took years for me to realize that I was unhappy as I am, and even longer for me to understand that I was trans, but eventually I found the willpower to push through, and now I’m here, going by Susie. After coming out as trans, I got into a rather intense relationship that I even got married to, before coming to a sudden end due to a rather traumatic encounter that to this day still affects me. That sudden divorce after led to me spiraling hard into my depression and I began to isolate in ways I never have before. This isolation led to a lot of bad habits and I eventually started rushing into relationships that weren’t good for me. One of these relationships had another nasty breakup and my depression spiraled even worse. During this 2nd spiral, I ended up binging the entire first season of Onegai My Melody in a single day. All 52 episodes, it was that bad, and while I did love what I watched, I essentially cut off all contact with people just to wallow in my sadness. During this watch though, something funny started happening. I began to notice a sort of… voice in my head if I were to explain it, and I began to realize that the incident with my ex-wife did something to my brain that left me confused and scared. Suddenly I was out of control of my body, I felt so out of place, my body was being controlled by this tiny little creature in my brain that I wasn't aware about till now. This little girl would be known as Sue to me, and she became one of the most important parts of my life and then some.

If it hasn't been obvious by now, I’m plural and Sue is the other headmate I have, and one that my history with is super rocky. When she first started to show up and take control, truthfully I was rather frightened by her, and I was doing all I could to stop her from taking front, pushing her down and desperately wishing she’d stopped existing. This only made things worse, as she had to force control herself, and I began to realize that I was fighting with myself a majority of my days. I didn’t understand where she came from, I didn’t know why she kept fighting for control so much, I was so confused about everything happening and I didn’t want anyone else to know about her, I just wanted her away. This dynamic stayed with me and her for a rather long time, until about a year or so ago. At this point I had accepted that she was a part of my brain, and I’d tell my closest relationships about her in case she took front, but I still didn’t do much to spend time with her, and I tried to avoid her as much as I could. Things took a turn though when I suddenly got kicked out of a place I was rather fond of, and I moved into a household that hurt me in so many ways. I was falling back into the worst habits again, and my depression was reaching the point it had after my divorce once more. This is when Sue started to take front more and more, and I was once again confused on just why she was doing it so much. I wanted answers, so I decided to finally sit down and talk and get to know her, and I began to realize that she loved me in a way I never thought about before.

If you haven’t pieced it together, Sue specifically was taking control during my more depressive episodes. She was essentially pushing me out the way and taking control so she could protect me from spiraling worse, allowing me to heal while she took the force of what was happening to keep me safe. Never in my life had someone done this for me, but here was this little girl in my head risking it over and over just to keep me safe, even after I treated her so cruelly for so long. It was around this point that I decided to stop pushing her away and instead get to truly know this part of me that I kept rejecting. I let her front more often, I started talking to her in headspace more, learning about who she was as a headmate, and learning to accept her for who she was. These talks were so important to me, and I slowly grew to care for her in a way I never cared before for anyone. She was risking so much just to keep me safe, just to keep me happy, and my love for her started to grow as the days began to pass. I started co-fronting with her, we started watching some shows together, I would play toys with her, I’d let her have playdates with our closest friends who accepted her, I started establishing a true bond with her, and the more we hung out, the deeper this love I had grew. It was then that I started to make some major changes in how I presented myself to the world.

Despite loving her as much as I do now, I was rather scared to take the next big step. I knew I wanted to be more open about who she was, especially now that I’m at the point where we can just co-front constantly without fear, but I was worried about how people would accept her. Sure, I changed my name online to reflect that she existed, adding her to my bios in other places and representing her with a little bow emote in my names online, but I also met some people who were hostile to her for existing. I knew though that constantly hiding it was making things worse for the both of us, as we cared for each other so much we wanted to always be there for each other. I started to tell more and more people about her, I let her take full control of the front a lot more often, and I was just letting her exist more and more in public spaces. Still that fear lingered, and only recently has this fear truly gone away. About a few weeks ago, I watched a show with someone important to me, a show called Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai. It’s a little tough to explain the premise of this show, but there’s a point at the end of the 1st season that delves deep into a relationship that was essentially my dynamic with Sue, and suddenly emotions hit me the hardest they ever have. Tears were flooding down my cheeks and I was holding one of my Melody plushies close to my chest, as I truly realized just how important she was to me, just how much she saved my life, how happy I was that she was here for me. Maybe this is weird to a lot of people, maybe I am rambling like a maniac as I type this, but I don’t care anymore. I’m done hiding this part of me, I’m done slowly killing myself and hurting someone who loves me so much, cares so much and does anything she can to keep me safe. Sue is simply a part of me and it’s time that I start embracing who she is fully, time for me to truly put her out there, no matter what anyone says. My Melody is important to me because it’s what made me fully realize that Sue was there, it was my first introduction with her, and while it was a rough one, it’s how I see and associate Sue in my life. I have more Melody plushies now, I have her as my phone background. I even finished watching the 2nd season of the anime with Sue, My Melody is so important to me due to how she introduced me to Sue, the headmate that cares about me more than anyone ever has.

I don’t care what people think of me, what people will think of this review, what people will think of this ramble. Sue is such a major part of me and I will no longer hide who she is from the world, no matter the judgement we get. It’s so scary putting her out there, but I know this is what's for the best, because I’m not just Susie anymore, I’m also Sue, together we’re a team and we will always be there for each other no matter how bad things get. I know I won’t ever be alone now that she’s here in my life, and I know I have someone in my corner through any hardship. My Melody remains so important in my heart for how much she changed my life by introducing me to Sue, and for now on, I’m going to live life as both of us completely. This is who we are, this is us, and together we can tackle anything that comes our way. My name is Susie, and my name is Sue!!! It feels so amazing to finally say that outloud like this, and I will always be grateful for having her in my life, no matter how strange these circumstances may sound. This is the real me, and this is the life I’m going to live for now on. This is Susie/Sue, thank you for reading this. We look forward to the rest of our lives together. Thank you so much. Melody Mark!!!