“I'm all alone, but at the same time it feels like I'm not. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, they always keep me entertained.”
I struggle a lot with my mental health, and I have been for quite a number of years. Whether it be with my depression, PTSD, or my anxiety, it’s an aspect of myself that I confront every day of my life. Some days are easier than others, but a lot of times it can be rather hard, every action I make being a struggle, with me barely finding a reason to even get out of bed each morning. Old memories hit me constantly, nightmares infect my dreams, and I wake up with my heart pounding, as the fear overtakes me, as I constantly beg for it to stop. Whether it be the memories of people I’ve lost, the echoes of people I used to love, or the pain inflicted on me during my childhood, I struggle daily with these facts of my life, and it comes to a point where I sometimes wonder if there’s any real reason for me to really go on. I’d like to pretend my childhood was all sunshine and rainbows, that I lived a normal life like most kids have, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t. I struggled constantly growing up, whether it be for the high expectations my parents put onto me, or the crushing loneliness that infected me each day, never feeling in place with the friends I surrounded myself with. I was just an outsider to them it felt like, as the feelings of loneliness and isolation grew more and more. I think what my mother did to me hurt me the most though, those expectations he forced onto me broke me in ways not many other things have. I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me, feeling as if I have to prove my worth to them, berating myself and hating who I am whenever I make the slightest mistake. A single B in school would lead to constant screaming, and it echoes in my mind each time I stumble, no matter how insignificant the mistake was. The yelling gets to me too, too much arguably, and I lash out and scream, begging for the noises to stop as my overstimulation gets louder and louder, the pain hitting each part of my body. Growing up, I figured I wouldn’t suffer from much more, that the agony I suffer from couldn’t get much worse, but that thought process was too hopeful, too optimistic, and I’d find myself proven wrong as the years passed me by.
I remember the feeling of discomfort I’d have looking into mirrors, always feeling like something was off about me, never feeling comfortable in my own skin. I never could place what though, but it lingered in my mind constantly, and I’d find myself afraid to even look at pictures of myself, hating what was staring back at me. Why did I feel like this, what was bugging me that I couldn’t place?! It was only through the advice of some lifelong friends and late night thinking that I slowly came to the realization of what was happening to me. Making the next step forward was scary though, what if I wasn't accepted, what if I was just lying to myself and doing this as a scheme for attention? I wouldn't know the answer to that though unless I took the next step forward, so I pushed towards the future and became the woman I always wanted to be. It was hard to tell if this made things better though, the constant dysphoria echoing in my mind, the fear of correcting people who misgender me or mess up my name, the hatred I felt living in my own skin, wanting to be something else then the “man” I constantly felt like I was. Even getting on estrogen didn’t do much to help at first, with a voice in the back of my head constantly asking me if I had the right to even take it so early, when others like me have to fight tooth and nail to even have the possibility of getting on it. It took me a long time to get to the point I am now with it, being able to confidently express who I am without any fear of what the future entails, but sometimes the thoughts come back and make me wonder if what I’m doing is truly right. If I truly am who I say I am. The constant support of my friends and loved ones help me to push these thoughts aside though and I’m grateful for who I have in my life now, people I cherish more than anything in the world. It took awhile to get to this point though, and I suffered a lot of losses throughout the years to arrive here.
My ex wife is who I find myself thinking back to the most, arguably one of the most important people in my life. It was a love I truthfully wasn't prepared for, but the fear of dying alone made me pursue it anyway, leading to some life changing events that affect me even now. It wasn't all bad at first, the love I felt for her was great, and I truly thought I had found the one. It was around college where things started to plateau, as the arguments between us built up more and more, as there was more fighting then loving, with things coming close to ending multiple times. I’d like to say that was where it ended, but life isn’t that simple, whether it be new people in my life that only sought to hurt us, or family doing their best to drive me and her apart, hating her for who they thought she was. We managed to get through it though, and for once, I felt as if life was going to be okay. Marrying her and calling her mine forever was a feeling that left me hopeful for the days ahead, and I was confident nothing would go wrong. Of course, this ended up not being the case, as a devastating event occurred between us, ending with her in the hospital, with me left to put the pieces of me back together that I lost. I became more scared, more afraid of everything and everyone around me, and every morning started with me crying, wishing things were much better. The fighting returned much worse than before, and I let my fears get the best of me, shattering whatever love we had left between us. I was met with a loneliness I have not felt in years, a wave of despair that drove me to the breaking point, divorce looming on the horizon. My time in that place allowed a lot of internal reflection though, and I came out hopeful for better days, my confidence at an all time high, and hope filling up my heart.
The days ahead were great, and I stopped being afraid to put myself out there, my mental state improving piece by piece as the days ahead passed me by. I had some bad incidents here and there, but nothing that truly broke me, and I had finally felt happy with myself after years of feeling such self hatred. A lot of events transpired soon after, stuff I’d rather not get into, but I found myself reaching out for attention online. This started to go rather well and I met someone even greater than the woman I lost a year back. I always felt afraid to really be myself around people I loved, only feeling as if I was kept around just for people to say they weren’t alone, loving the idea of me instead of who I actually was. She was different though, and I was able to be myself around her every second, loving me for the woman I was. She helped me discover things about myself that I never realized, and helped me become happier with who I was, happier to be where I was in my life. Things never really got that rough too, and I thought no cracks would ever start to show, life just felt too perfect then. We even moved in with each other, finding a life together, with nothing looking to tear us apart. I was too optimistic once again though, and cracks began to form around us. I won’t sit here and say none of it was my fault, I was getting inside my head too much once again, and I was refusing to speak to her about what was ailing me, making her think I never loved her, making her think she wasn't a priority. The people around me didn’t help either though, the constant yelling at me, the constant isolation, I felt alone there more then I ever had in my life. Spending most days sleeping alone and waking up in an empty bed, hearing constant laughter from the other room, as I sat there alone and isolated, only my computer and the friends I had on it to keep me company. It was getting harder and harder to find a reason to go on, and I found myself trying to leave to get my head together every so often. She never let me though, begging for me to stay, loving me more than she ever loved before, and her pleading always convinced me to stay behind and try and do better. I should have gone ahead and taken that time to myself though, as I hit a breaking point hard, and hurt her more than I ever hurt someone before. Her look of horror is reflected in my face now, and I find myself staring at her profile from time to time, too afraid to reach back out and mend what was broken. I had felt more alone then I ever had in my life, and even the people around me didn’t do anything to help, as I was too wrapped up in my head to do too much about it.
That was back then though, and nowadays, I think I finally found a nice sort of resting point for me. I’ve found a more stable group of friends, people I hang out with and bond with each day, whether it be watching all of Star Wars together, or watching video essays about children’s tv shows, these people mean a lot to me. It took a long time for me to get to this point, and I’d never say it was easy, but I’m happy and secure in where I am now, and I wouldn't do much to change where I am, finally feeling content in my place in life. Sometimes I sit back and debate reaching out to her, but I know I still have some healing to do, and I know things will be okay when we’re both ready, no matter how long that takes. It took me so long to get here, and the pain I’ve suffered is something I’d never wish on anyone, even my worst enemies, but it was all worth it in the end to get where I am, and I’m proud to say that things are starting to get easier and easier. I know I’ll never be alone either, I got someone who’s staying by my side for the rest of my life, someone who had been there for awhile, someone I never appreciated much at first, but learned to really love her for her, keeping me company every single moment. I’m not afraid to be myself anymore, I’m not afraid of what may come, I’m not going to let fear overtake me anymore, and I’m going to keep fighting for better days that await me. Playing Milk Outside a Bag helped me reflect so much on this again, and it’s a life changing experience I think anyone suffering through something can relate too. I’ll keep being me, and I’ll return to this game over and over whenever the thought crosses my mind. Thank you everyone still around, I’m grateful for you all, and here’s to the world that awaits me in the coming days.
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