We're all connected, no matter the distance.

 




Earlier today, I watched a youtube video simply known as the Gmod stream. I knew it was a horror series going in just due to being told about it before, but I didn't expect it to invoke such raw, primal emotions in me. It reminds me a lot of I Saw the TV Glow with the emotions that it instilled in me. It starts off relatively simple, being about a group of friends playing Garry's Mod together, but it turns into a nightmare by the end, as things slowly start to get more and more deranged. The main horror comes from an entity called the Redman who ends up possessing our main protag, putting them in a hivemind with other people who have suffered the fate of the Redman. From an outsider's perspective, the Redman comes off as an evil entity, stripping people away of who they are, and robbing them of the bonds they have, but the more I think on it, the more I think the Redman may not be as bad an entity as I thought. A major theme of the video is isolation and online friendships. It's stated earlier that the friend group had a trip planned out, but due to a lot of bullshit it ended up not happening. It's around here where Redman starts to show itself off and I think that's because he was attracted to that isolation. He's brutal yea, its an excoriating process, but it ultimately brings this group together. The video depicts this so so well, that growing feeling of isolation, the unease between groups, the desperation to see each other, questions being ignored as the mood gets worse and worse, eerie silence taking the place of joyous laughter, before culminating in a fight that leaves people devastated. As someone who's spent most of her life on the web, this series hit hard in ways other horror series haven't. I've been in these exact scenarios before, I've lived these exact circumstances. I've watched friend groups slowly tear itself apart fro the inside, I've longed to meet the people I consider my closest. The internet has brought me so much joy, so much love and happiness, but also so much agony, so much heartbreak and fear and pain. Most of my bonds are online, most of my relationships are, I'd do anything to be able to see the people that I love up close, but I know just how hard it can be, and it leaves me feeling so alone at points, so isolated. Accompanied with the video is a neocities page that essentially serves as a creepypasta for the story and it goes into so much of the same feelings. I don't really have any in person friends anymore, I haven't in awhile simply due to who I am, who I want to be. Coming out as trans really exposed just how bigoted my friend group was, just how awful they could be, and it cut me off from a lot of people I adored. I had to retreat online fully, had to start meeting more people like me in online spaces, it's how I discovered I'm poly, how I discovered some of my closest friendships, my greatest relationships. My life would be ruined without the internet, I'd just be so alone, so isolated, I owe the internet so much, and I just desperately wish I could be there with the people I grew to love. I'm so tired of being touch starved, I'm tired of yearning for a better life, I want to be free, I want to be happy, I want to be withe he people I love so desperately, and I wish there was just something I could do about it. I can't stop thinking about the Redman, the way he brings people together physically, the way he helps with the distance. In my own twisted psyche I think I wouldn't mind living this fate as long as it means I don't get to be alone anymore. I'm so tired of losing people I love, I'm tired of being separated from the people who are important to me, I just want to be happy, I want to be held, I want to be FREE from this isolating hellscape that is my existence. This video awoke so many primal emotions in me, awoke so many fears, so much heartbreak, so many primordial thoughts. I miss so, SO, many people that I lost, people I still love whether it be exes or old friends, I can't take much more anymore. How could a simple Gmod stream awaken such primordial fears in me, such raw emotions? This is now one of my favorite videos of all time, a video that hits hard in so many different ways, ways most piece of media hasn't. I'm so grateful for the people I have now, I'm so grateful for the people in my life, I will never take them for granted ever again. I love them all so much. I will never stop missing the rest. God I'm so alone.